again & again

...& again & again.

i admit it. i was holding out a lot of hope. i thought we could make a difference, convince JYP/E to right their wrong. the kHottests have been amazing-- silent protests, walls of post-its, 15K paper roses, bank books, thousands of dollars of charity donations, boycotting Dream Concert-- and yet, nothing from the company was released to even acknowledge these fan acts besides ONE pithy statement that came too late and offered no concrete answers. and yet, JYP/E continues to offer no words, no assurances, nothing. i don't believe that the company has the best interests of their artist(s) at heart-- after all artists are just products/commodities to be monetized-- so while i don't take any solace in any of their words, some concrete direction would be appreciated.

if JYP/E has no intention of letting jay back in to 2PM, just say it. sure, they risk the wrath of Hottests but honestly? this wishy-washy/let's not say anything act is getting very old and very frustrating. i'm glad you "support" him, but how about supporting him in a proactive way? by not putting the gesture out there, offering jay's spot if he wants it, makes the company look very suspect...and honestly, makes it pretty obvious that there isn't a spot for jay in 2PM. how disappointing. what a waste of talent. he belongs on stage, with the other 6 members-- the 7 of them have created a unique bond and their magic will not be the same without jay.

truthfully, i actually feel really badly for the remaining 6 members. all of a sudden they see their LEADER forced out and they're just supposed to continue like nothing's happened? reports have surfaced that they're not even allowed to mention his name, like he's some kind of forbidden subject. after spending all of those hard years training with, living with, and loving each other, they're just supposed to leave jay behind because their company forces them? i'd bet that they're not even allowed to talk to him at all, which just...why is jay being treated like this? by people he had come to trust and love over the years?

and now, after 2 mysterious new album rumors but nothing concrete (wow, JYP/E, WHAT A SURPRISE!), all of a sudden, there's a beating heart with a countdown until november 2. fans are speculating up the wazoo about what will happen when that countdown ends...and as i wrote, i admit it, i had a lot of hope. maybe JYP/E was finally going to do something right! maybe jay will be back, or at least, maybe we'd see 7 silhouettes and 6PM would promote without him, but he'd be back!

however, i'm now all but convinced that JYP/E has absolutely zero intention of bringing him back, especially to 2PM, and i'm so upset about how unfair this whole situation is. i'm relatively certain that the countdown is a pre-cursor to the start of all 6PM activities and by the weekend of the 13th, i fear we'll see the jay-less 6PM promoting their new song on music shows.

i cried again today, and this is the second time i've shed tears over this boy and music group that i have no actual connection to. i'm simultaneously outraged, saddened, and confused about what happened to have the situation spiral so out of control, but i'm heading to the point of resignation. i support the boycott and will not purchase anything that does not include jay. sure, my money as an international fan doesn't mean much, but it's personal, and i'm holding myself to it. i feel terrible towards the other 6 boys who have to move on without jay, but just like jay, they're all fighters too, and we know that their bond with jay is irreplaceable and unbreakable (bsb shoutout!), no matter what ends up happening. i hope there's truly a rainbow at the end, and that jay ends up finding his happiness :) and most of all, i hope he can feel all the love that truly surrounds and envelops him.

i'm sure i'll be back on november 2nd with another 2PM entry. as you can tell, this has taken over my life. if 6PM is truly confirmed, as it looks VERY likely, then i feel that i will back slowly out of the fandom and i'm sure a new interest will slowly fill the void. i love 2PM as 7 and it's going to be difficult to see everything without jay. we'll see what happens on 11.2...

and if, in the end, jay comes back to 2PM and thanks JYP/E for all they did, then i will eat my words. i just think the likelihood of that is pretty slim to none.

2PM: redux.

disclaimer: i know i'm too emotionally invested/involved in this. but it is what it is. this is a really long post just to get my thoughts out there.

i'm back to being sad about 2PM. my biggest issue with this whole fiasco is that i truly believe that without all 7 of them, they will not be the group that they had the potential to be. think about it. their huge popularity began to rise with their "again and again" comeback which was in late april. so in 4 months, they saw an enormous spike with their respect to their popularity and "influence" in kpop. they were still rookies, hadn't even debuted for a full year, and yet, it was awesome to see that their potential was sky high.

without jay, 2PM doesn't stand a chance to be the group it once was. and i don't say this because i'm a huge jay fan, but because honestly, i think it's the truth. jay was their leader in name but also in spirt and in action. he was the "mood-maker," the first one to represent 2PM wherever and whenever, and by being as crazy and ridiculous as he was, he set the example for the other members to be as free and awesome as they could be too. without jay as their glue, the other 6 will not be the same. sure, they may not fail, but they'll never be the group that they COULD be with all 7.

the magic of 2PM is how amazingly well all 7 boys gelled together-- the love, bond, and brotherhood/friendship was VERY real and i think anyone could see that. it makes me so sad to think about how the other 6 have to go on without him BARELY 2 months after his departure. yes, i buy in to the conspiracy theories, but regardless of how people feel about the "rumors," i don't think anyone can deny that the other 6 desperately miss jay and want him to be brought back. i may have a lot of angst towards JYP(E) right now, but i cannot deny that JYP created a great group with an amazing dynamic.

now seeing as how jay hasn't (and can't?) say anything, nowadays, my main issues are with JYP(E). first, i support the boycott because fans' power is money and this is the only way they can make noise. but with the announcement of the 6-membered 2PM album release in november (from now on referred to as 6PM), i cannot understand why JYP is insisting on moving forward so soon after the scandal. yes, there are a lot of boy bands debuting/coming back right now. but the jay issue is still an extremely hot topic. fans aren't letting it go, media isn't letting it go, so why add more fuel to the fire?

in my opinion, it is SO disrespectful to the fans to 1) release the album without jay and 2) release the 6PM album so soon after the scandal. i understand that JYP's the producer and it's his vision, but fans are the livelihood of his company, and is it really worth it to anger Hottests (official 2PM fans) more?? his reputation is partially on the line here with fans, and it just doesn't seem like the best move.

also, as much as fans have angst/anger towards JYP now for not adequately protecting and supporting jay during the height the scandal, if he brought back jay, ALL WOULD BE FORGIVEN. i PROMISE THIS. i'm so angry/upset/frustrated right now, but if JYP said those magic words, i would forgive all of the bad feelings and just CELEBRATE that JYP brought jay back.

i don't deny that jay probably needs time to heal from the event, but knowing that he will be coming back as 2PM leader is all the confirmation i need. Hottests everywhere will wait patiently for him to come back, but we're all pleading with JYP to stand up and say those words about jay.

in the end, no one except for JYP and jay really knows what's going to happen, but if jay doesn't come back to 2PM, it'll be a total shame. yes, people may say, "oh he can come back solo!" or "oh, he can come back with another group" but the JAY we all love and miss is PARK JAEBEOM, 2PM LEADER.

i'm hoping that in the end, the truth and goodness will win....what you put out in the world is what you get. to be honest, it doesn't look good right now at all, but i know that true fans will wait and keep fighting the good fight.

2PM. 7 STRONG. 1 BOND. 1 LEADJA.

just a continuation of the last post...

i was in a restaurant today and heard the beginning notes of a song, and got so excited! YES! backstreet boys! incomplete!...and then o-town started playing. oooops!

life is better this week, love catching up with friends i haven't seen in a while. i think it's so great when people who are all quite different can just grab a bite, share stories, laugh, and have great conversation :) i'm thankful for having been able to meet such a good group of people!

in 2PM news, excellent day today because of a hysterical variety show that is the last show all 7 of them taped together. and trying to brace myself for the bad news that's coming this week, starting tomorrow.

music "karma"

one of my favorite coincidences is when i'm in a store and i randomly hear backstreet boys over the sound system. back in the day, this wasn't really special since they were so popular and everyone was screaming "i want it that way" at the top of their lungs. as time has passed though, it's become more rare to hear them on the radio, let alone while i'm out and about. but it makes me SO happy and i've come to lovingly refer to it as my "bsb karma" (even though i'm totally using karma incorrectly).

i've heard backstreet boys in so many random places: stores, gas stations, in australia, and in a store in korea too! it brings a smile to my face and the best times are when the songs aren't popular/released singles but other songs off of their albums :) what can i say, it's the little things!

since my new fascination with 2PM, i'm hoping some of the bsb "karma" will rub off and i'll randomly hear some 2PM songs too. today got off to a great start when i was at a korean grocery store with my sister and told her that i wished we would hear "again and again" while we were there. and lo and behold, as we're checking out, i hear "again and again and again and again" call out over the loudspeakers! and then i proceeded to get uber happy and sing and dance along...much to the dismay of my sister, who thinks i shouldn't revert back to my tween self. though she should know better...i've never let go of my inner tween!!! :)

quarter-life crisis.

so i was a never an "i must save/change the world" kind of person, but as my birthday draws closer and closer, my quarter-life thoughts have blown out in to a quarter-life crisis. so many of us dream of living exceedingly happy lives, fully content, and enjoying everything around us! but how many of us actually achieve that? i'd say very few. how many people actually make a difference? certainly not me!

knowing full well how fortunate i am right now, i still can't help but feel so stagnant and stuck. my coworkers are grreat but the mundanity of my job severely gets to me at times, and with no movement in my near future...what do i do? thinking about future "bigger" projects just makes me worried about all the problems that will arise, instead of being excited about new opportunitites. even my fun! distraction of kpop/2PM isn't fun anymore...that too is just filled with drama.

about 2 months ago, i felt a strong need to shake things up. that sort of got pushed by the wayside, but maybe it's time to bring that back, just to have a goal to work towards, whether it works out or not. all i know is that i'm way too young to be feeling as disgruntled as i do right now....

2PM.

so, my life (and my friends/family/coworkers ha!) for the past 4 weeks and 1 day has revolved around a specific time of the day, 2PM. the kpop bug hit me hard this past april, and i've been completely enraptured in the charms (oh, koreans, you love that word) of the 7 awesome guys who make up the group. there is something so unique, special, and ... awesome about them. their personalities are hysterical, they interact SO well with one another, and they all have the SPARK on stage that draws you in.

at the front of this group? their leader, jaebeom aka jay. the korean-american bboyin' rapper young'n (i'm getting so old when i'm crushing on idols who are definitely too young for me), who turns it ON once he hits the stage. he quickly became my favorite member and i lovelovelove how he always brings 110% to everything he does. passion, drive, and determination. humor, dorkiness, and protective of his boys. charisma, humility, and undeniable talent.

and then, a month ago, personal comments he wrote blew up and spread, and the fury and "outrage" from antis/netizens just kept getting bigger and bigger. and while fans were worried, we just were worried when this would die down and go away....and then he announced he was leaving. and fandom was thrown in to confusion.

a month later, and everyone is still just as confused and pained as day 1. the issue of him leaving isn't even at the forefront of people's minds, but more so about a movement to assure his spot back in the group should he wish to return. [a post for another day will talk about the korean fans' boycott, which i fully support.] back when i first saw their again & again performances, i don't think i could have ever guessed i would be so emotionally involved in this group and this "scandal." there's the part that empathizes SO much with his feelings of culture shock, and there's the part that thinks there is something larger at work that's preventing his return. every day is another day that i'm more confused. but now that i'm in it...i just can't walk away.

this past month has seriously felt much longer, and i feel like i'm living out a real-life kdrama. i'm just hoping that this is one with a happy ending :\