feeling OVERwhelmed.

i do not handle stress well.

flip.flop.

on the good days, i say, a number doesn't define me! on the bad days, i say, how can i possibly stack up against the others. too much stress, worry, and impatience are starting to take their toll. i just need to keep reminding myself that i did the best i could and i put forth the best that i could.

sure, other people score what i got with zero practice. but...i made almost a 300 point increase, which is nutso. especially for someone who hasn't ever worked/studied like that before. i don't really believe it, but if i say it enough, will it sink in? everything happens for a reason. everything works out the way it's supposed to. it's out of my hands now, so there's no point in stressing.

sigh. easier said than done.

awakening that part of my brain

ah...it's one of the main reasons why i'm going on this journey. having been in the "real world" for 4 years now, i definitely miss the analysis and deep discussions in academia. i miss the moments where you're like "wow...i am totally learning something new right now" or when you're surrounded by smart people and you're just eager to keep learning, keep hearing more, and keep talking so that you can maintain that brain activity.

went to another event today that reminded me of why this path is the right one for now. i don't know if everything will end up the way i want it to, but it's good to have reminders every so often (amongst the angst of essaying/testing) of why you're pursuing what you're pursuing.

for myself, as i described it to my mom, i want my brain to feel like it's getting stretched to its capacity. that i'm surrounded by people who leave me in awe, and people who are so smart that i need to push myself to keep up with them. so that, as cheesy as it sounds, i can be the best poca i can be. hope hope hope.

three months in a flash!

wow, didn't realize it had been three months since i'd last written. since my last angsty post, i've taken the dreaded test two times, and resigned myself to the score i received. i would never use the term "hard worker" to describe myself but i honestly worked the hardest in studying for that darn test than i have for anything else.

two down, two...maybe one to go. really hoping real life works out for me, but i'm a sucker for worrying about things i can't control.

meanwhile, i've been distracted by:

1) jangki. playful kiss. mischevious kiss.















jung so min is so spunky and she played a great oh hani! i was pretty ambivalent about khj before but i like his baek seung jo. thought he portrayed bsj's journey from super cool, collected to affected well. and their chemistry is on point! loving the YT special eps as well :)

and 2) my favorite singing rapper bboy.

















keep flying <3. crazy how much change has happened in one year, but excited to see what 2011 brings since he's been hyping us up!

thankful

today is a day i'm grumpy and frustrated with myself. not motivated at all. no focus. no drive to study and to try and improve. i am soo mad at myself and want myself to SNAP out of it but obviously i just don't care enough.

and yet, instead of lecturing me and forcing me to do it, my fam just says, it's okay to have days like that. (even though my entire last week was like that too..). thankful. i'm my own worst critic. and i really don't like that i'm not studying or trying my best. hopefully i snap out of this soon. i have to.

not totally over it

but there used to be times when i was so offended when people called hottests crazy cray. and now, i have removed myself enough to not consider myself one and merely watch from a distance.

saturday night, fun times!

saturday night...beautiful weather...summer feels like it's around the corner...and i'm trying to brush up on algebra, convert words to numbers, and relearn DREADED geometry. haha took a practice test today without ever having even looked at a test before, and got 1% ranking/percentile on the math HAHAHA! i know that i'm capable of more but it's time to get my brain working again. and i was convinced i left geometry behind...gaaah. it's the worst!!

mothers really DO know everything

how the heck did my mom pinpoint exactly why i'm so frustrated about everything? i didn't say anything and neither did anyone else...and yet, the first point blank question was right on the nose.

i am kinda freaked out now o.O

respek.

i will NEVER fangirl a kpop group like PM again but i've been a beast fan from the start and find them very endearing. and though this was not one of my favorite songs on their newest mini, i really, really like the styling, choreo!!, and overall performance. :)

TOO asian

i think i just found the worst non-candid photo ever taken of me! SIGH. wish i could just delete delete delete it, but it's not mine. :( however, if i ever needed convincing that i look hella asian with my new hair....yup. just got it!!

huh.

so while i am trying NOT to be a hater, i still can't shake that last bit that doesn't want jay to be the only one to get the short end of the stick in this whole situation. but slowly trying to move past it.

but wow, just stumbled upon some tweets that seriously just make me shake my head. how he is just an opportunistic guy, who sucks at everything and who is rapping about what he went through cause he's an attention whore. and how the other 6 haven't talked about it at all. and how they're so much better than him cause of it.

um. SERIOUSLY? the dude's not even allowed to sing/rap about what happened to him. in his own life?! he's done nothing but try to convince people to stop hating and this is the stuff that some people are swirling around in their minds. and no one knows what the 6 can or can't do, but their company is certainly milking jay for their own hype and purposes. hello? have you heard the lyrics that they gave 6PM for their new album? "You wanna see me fall right? (Haters!) Like a candle on a windy night, Yeah right. Just watch me do this, aight?" please tell me you can read that and not think it's directed to their former fans/antis. and that nice intro package that includes a group shot with jay in the center followed by the words "unbelievable...betrayal."

i just, honestly, can't believe that there are people that think like that. organisms?! i know i'm a huge fan with the crazy blinders on, but he has done nothing except show love and respect for his fans and his former members. and the same can't be said in the opposite direction. so why don't you just leave him alone and just focus on 6PM. he can do whatever he wants, he has absolutely no obligation to you/other fans who think like you. ugh. HATERS!

just venting

every day that passes just helps me solidify that what i am planning is right for myself. there's no reason that i should get so frustrated by one email, or so annoyed that i am getting an email at 10p at night that i seriously hope no one expects me to answer until monday. just so easily frustrated and at the same time apathetic about it. why the eff does it feel like the end is SO FAR AWAY.

living in the past

despite everything that's happened, i still believe that what they had pre-september was real. and even though i think there's a bigger plan for him and i can't look at the 6 the same, i still miss the 7 of them together. currently listening to this on repeat:

loose lips

hmm. apparently these walls...or err, cubicle dividers, have ears. and mouths.

not sure how to feel...

/cool story bro.

my arms are abnormally long as compared to my height. you know those large shopping bags (eg. crate & barrel size)? when i carry them with my arms straight, the bottom of the bag scrapes against the ground. i wonder what it would be like not to always have to crook my arm a few degrees at an angle.

feel the jayness!

posting this everywhere and anywhere. he is amazing and i love him. =) so talented and humble and just...awesome. love all the imagery but he's like a phoenix! rising from the ashes :) have basically ONLY listened to this song on repeat for the past 24 hours



actual timeline of events:
- see YT still/post on a site
- "wait...that guy looks like jay. no way, it can't be jay"
- "what?? the video is titled 'jay park- nothing on you (cover)'??? who is this??? it can't be him!!!"
- click play
- "OMG OMG OMG OMG IT'S HIM IT'S REALLY HIM OMG WHAT IS THIS WHY IS HE POSTING ON YOUTUBE WHEN DID HE GET THIS YOUTUBE OMG IT'S HIM!!!!!"
- ::shake shake shake::
- spazz to friends
- actually WATCH the video instead of mostly listening and fall in love with his bopping/dancing, smile, and abs (i've missed them!)
- FLAIL some more about how awesome he sounds and how it's been 6 months since we heard his voice
- click *favorite*
- click *subscribe*
- watch views surpass 1 million in 24 hours, see him gain 50K+ subscribers (more than 2PM's YT has in 1 year), and be the #1 viewed & #1 favorited video today on YT.

HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!

coda part 2.

before his termination was official, i said that if it was announced he wasn't coming back, i'd probably walk away. i was about 50% in that though, because i've grown to (of course) love all 7 together and i definitely still followed 1:59 activities, even if the whole time i was trying to find the hints/signs for jay, etc.

now that it's actually here, i'm finding it easier than i thought to try and walk away, or at least, leave behind the crazy fan-girl spazzing. first off, i am "team kHottest." i don't really care if that makes me crazy or blind, but when the group's MOST devoted fans (fanclub staff, sasaengs, fansite admins) all turn away from 6PM, to me, that says a lot. there were so many more anti-boycott fans than pro-boycott fans present at the conference, and yet, all of the korean fanclubs that attended the conference turned away from 6PM afterwards.

many international fans have an incredible sense of superiority, but news flash, we don't know better than korean fans. we're happy when they get #1 on music shows. who makes them ACTUALLY get to #1? korean fans. we oogle all of the gifts idols get on their birthdays. who spends thousands of dollars to provide gifts, food, etc.? korean fans. so stop saying that we are equal to them, because we're not. we account for extremely little and we are an afterthought. jype happens to be a company that cares about international fan response but an international fandom will not sustain a korean group. 6PM needs the korean fan support and right now, they do not have (a lot) of it.

i listened to the conference audio and there was a whole chunk that i didn't understand. but i actually believe that what they were saying was what they were truly feeling-- when junho implores the fans to please listen, when junsu says that they are honestly telling the truth, i believe in their emotions. and i know the company is powerful, and they are rookies who have no voice and no power. but there's a way to say something and then there's a way to SELL it. and even if it was not of their own volition, i cannot look at the 6 of them the same way anymore, after hearing that they all agreed that jay "absolutely" can't come back and implied that he was "dirty."

what drew me (and many other fans) in to 2PM was their brotherhood and friendship. in fact, that's what kept me fighting all along. that ultimately, despite how they may have felt about the boycott, etc. all of them wanted to be reunited and move forward as 7. and the press conference shattered that image. and unfortunately, it can't be repaired. when jay first left, the fandom split into pro-boycott vs. anti-boycott. and now it's jay fans vs. 6/5PM fans. and that will never change.

i'm choosing to believe that their bond as 7, their bond before september 8th, was real and genuine. because otherwise it just hurts too much. i'm trying to just calmly walk away, but it's hard not to want something to happen to 6PM (regarding their popularity), if only for the selfish reason that i don't want only jay to receive the short end of the stick. but i know that's not healthy and it's not productive, and i really don't need the bad karma/juju in my life. so i guess i'll just hope for the best for ALL parties...and that jype finally gets its just desserts.

6PM, i hope you guys are able to win over your company in your end, and that whatever your choices were, were the right ones and the ones that you honestly believe in.

jay, i hope you're happy, with your family, friends, and crew. i know there will be something else out there for you-- too talented to have spent only 1 year in the spotlight, so i'll be waiting for your daebak comeback.

jype, what goes around, comes around. how far are you going to go to destroy one boy's life. it's a sad game. it's time to stop.

coda part 1.

it's been 2 weeks since JYPE officially announced that they terminated jay's contract. i'd like to reiterate that, JYPE terminated HIS contract, because i've seen too many people call it jay's "final withdrawal." umm. no, by his company terminating his contract, it's not his withdrawal, or his choice, it was mandated by his company that he never return.

i've gone through a myriad of emotions and i'm still not over it by any means, but i think it's about time i start writing it all down to sort out my feelings.

it's been a roller coaster of a 6-month period, and i went from having hope, to little hope, to LOTS OF HOPE, back down to little hope, to worry, to fear, to anger, and finally resignation. who knew that when i first saw the clips of jay rapping in taec's place when taec's mic died, that i would be here? huh. throughout all 6 months, all i wanted was for him to desperately come back. i wanted him back with the other 6, and for him to be back on stage, and helping 2PM continue to rise to the top. but somewhere along the way, it went awry.

despite fans' best efforts to boycott (and yes, i will still defend that position) and prove to the company how much jay was needed, missed, and wanted, ultimately, for reasons unbeknownst to fans (i don't believe the "HUGE MORAL ISSUE" that was touted in the press release & conference), JYPE decided to "throw away" one of their best talents. admittedly, i have a huge bias for him, but he's a true triple threat-- singing, dancing, and personality. so yes, call me utterly confused that the company would be willing to let him go.

as much as i was trying to prepare myself for him not coming back, i kept holding on to the small bit of hope...and so there was a lot of anger and frustration when it was final that he wasn't coming back. it just doesn't seem fair...at all. and the fact that the company seems set on destroying him (why open up the wolves to his "personal mistake" that's so terrible they "can't reveal it?") makes it even more unbearable. yes, he's an idol, he's a "wasted investment" to them, but he's a person. how far are they going to go to take down ONE boy? now that i've gotten over the anger, i am moving towards happiness that he is out of their clutches (though probably not entirely) and he's free, free to be who he wants to be and surrounded at home with his family and friends. i love that he's not letting this destroy his life-- he's out there bboying, continuing to show his fans' love, and basically just continuing to be as awesome as when he was "leadja." and no matter what, his family, friends, and FANS will believe in him. and ultimately, that personal connection is more powerful than whatever JYPE has up their sleeves.

next up: my feelings about the fan conference & subsequent aftermath and current feelings about 6pm (though the fact that i call them 6pm probably gives some indication).

the 5th stage: acceptance

acceptance. he's out for good, out of the group, out of the company, out of korea? for so long, all I wanted was for him to be back but as I move towards acceptance, I am coming around to just wanting him to be happy. I'm going to write a whole long vent later but I'm happy he's bboying tonight as planned and that they're putting it all out in the open. because that says something to me too. I'm happy he's not letting all of this stop him from what he loves and what makes him happy. :). see? moving towards acceptance.

what is this...

i'm going to write a longer entry later about everything i think and feel (oh boy, won't that be fun) but...what is this. what is the point of all of this deception, all of the possible cover-ups, and certain manipulation. yes, it's popularity, it's fame, it's money...but this. this isn't right.

elaborately created lies inevitably unravel and the truth is revealed. no one can get away with stuff forever.

reality check.

sometimes since i'm always enveloped in my own world, i forget about reality. i'm a daydreamer, i live in my own bubble, and i forget the way the world works. sometimes you need a reality check to remind you that you're not the only one.

twenty ten.

i'm starting to wonder if a higher being/universe/world is trying to teach me something in these early months of 2010. i feel like i'm truly learning to appreciate and understand the phrase "being happy for others." and not fake happy where you're secretly jealous and envious and wishing it was yours, but honest-to-goodness happy for others and for seeing them succeed, loving life, and anticipating the future.

for all the frustration and confusion i'm feeling now, it really has given me a great source of comfort to know that others around me are truly happy....i know there's a lesson hidden in here somewhere. just gotta try and find it.

puppy!

i really want a puppy! i think it'd be so much fun, although i am wary of the responsibilities...like when it feels like -5 outside, i'm very happy to just sit inside my room but, the doggie can't stay inside forever!

i also feel like i may secretly want a dog because i think it'll make me happier...which makes me think of those young teens who want a baby because a baby will "love" them and everyone is trying to knock some sense in to them :|

late night eating

hmmm. so i probably shouldn't have eaten that ramen and ice cream bar at 1:30a but i'm bored and slightly stress eating. oh well, at least it was tasty!!

novella on the status quo.

i am really, really, REALLY resigned because ALL of the rumors have been negative and have been pointing to jay not being brought back. as other people have mentioned, normally with rumors, you get some positive and some negative...but EVERYTHING is negative now. and one of the fancafes is holding another silent protest on sunday, and the only other time they did that was shortly after he left.

i'm venting-- below are a few reasons why it was not only media hype about him coming back but that JYPE participated in it too:

1) the album is called 1:59. that is a freaking idea that the FANS came up with to represent that 2PM isn't "whole." jype took that from the fans and made it their "concept." if they were just toying with fans to get them to support, that is SO unbelieveably disrespectful i can't even...

2) in an interview the 6 did in china, they said the album is named 1:59 because they're not complete without jay. so, they themselves were spewing that they're not complete, they're not 2PM which obviously gives fans hope that jay will be back to complete them/make them whole.

3) when they won MAMA, during one of the speeches, taec said "jaebum hyung, we're waiting for you, so hurry up and come back."

4) in the Thank Yous, chansung wrote "we're 6 now but i'll wait until we're 7 again"

obviously, none of these are hard facts and you can argue that the boys' feelings don't equal the company's, but there's no way that the company would allow them to say/express those types of things without their consent.

i'm so frustrated at this whole situation-- a lot of people say that the reason they won't bring him back is because of the huge success of the 6-member 2PM and that it's not worth it to bring jay back because he will have that drama/controversary associated with him, and the general public seems to support 6 (even if fans support 7). it's such a messed up situation and the worst part is that jay (and the others) don't have any real voice to say anything about this. it ends up being all about the company & making profits and no regard to grooming artists, so much so that they'd sacrifice one of their "prizes."

i said it before and i'll say it again...when/if it's confirmed that they're not bringing him back, i am pretty sure i will walk away. i like the other 6 and i'm sure i will casually watch them in things, but i love all 7 as a group and the group dynamic which will never be the same as 6.

the whole reason i was like "AAHH 2PM!!" was because of their chemistry-- their performances were always filled with passion, power, and that special "it" factor. there was a special energy they brought to the stage. off-stage, you could tell their friendship was genuine and healthy and just...awesome. when i see 6, i can't un-see a "could-be" 7. i think a lot of their "oomph" and spark/sparkle (?? that sounds weird but whatev) has been lost and it makes me sad to see that the group i grew to love is no longer the group in front of me.

i just hate that this whole situation has dragged out for almost 5 months and there is still SO much confusion, anger, hurt, and resentment. and it's even worse as an international fan, cause there is LITERALLY nothing you can do except watch it happen and hope for the best. i've unfollowed the company on social networking sites as part of my "statement" but is that enough?

in any case, everyone seems to think it's like a given that he won't come back...amazing how much my hope has diminished in the last 2 weeks (when i thought it was all but guaranteed that he'd be back). i'm still "fighting" in that i'm still supporting the boycott and doing as much as an international fan can do, but everyone thinks time is really running out (eg. by mid-feb). i just hope that in the end, it's not the end of the road for his career as an entertainer, cause he is legitimately talented and deserves to be on-stage performing for fans.

and i'm still hoping in a way but i'm just expecting the worst. and yes, there have been some other signs-- like inki leaving that space (they also left a space for their "comeback" as 6) says a lot bc i doubt SBS would wanna make a major label angry by doing something they wouldn't agree with & jay wearing fan gifts (to me that says, keep fighting) but it's just all so uncertain.

*SIGH*

in a way, i want this to be over...but i'm really scared that it's not going to end up how i want to, so if nothing's final, then at least you can still keep hoping that something good will happen :\

happy new year!

2010. craziness! happy new year. hope this year is filled with a lot of personal growth...now that i'm officially in my "quarterlife." eeks! trying to change some things about myself this year, so we'll see how successful it is. and i will promise to be more diligent about creating change in my life. 2010...let's stop the apathy and being content...and shake things up a bit.

and yup, still miss him a lot. i looove a good voice...and his speaking voice is so win. but also love this cover, with my new headphones that make everything sound awesome :D