august 27, 2019. i randomly remembered this lil ol blog the other day, so i thought i might pop back in here to record and capture today's musings and thoughts.
2019 has been a year of growth, learning, and....oddly, complacency. the beginning of the year was tough: work presented a lot of challenges, hard work, and often times exhausting (mentally and physically) and taxing. while i don't think anything will ever beat my near daily cry sessions back in 2010/2011, this year may have come close.
a lot of hard work and despite my better judgement, the unavoidable connection between one's self and your "work" (title / output / results). and in the end, we finally made it to launch day and results weren't what everyone wanted. and the millennial in me, wanted the recognition of "hey, i know you busted your butt. it didn't work out but you did your best and good job for doing all you could." and instead i got, well, that was a miss....and on to the next one.
after a 2 week vacation, I came back to a new team, new manager, new product.....and a lot of apathy and complacency. i'm usually a very goal-oriented person and it just felt like i was floating around. having to break in to established relationships, re-introduce myself to new colleagues, and convince others (or really myself??) that i was a worthy manger that they could rely on.
i wasn't sure what my role was supposed to be. then a big pulsepoint happens. quick reactions, more tears, and me wondering why i was in this job. in this industry. and really, what was i doing with my life. was i where i was really supposed to be? (cause i can assure you i never ever thought i'd be where i currently am.)
to be honest the past 5ish months have had me bandying about a multitude of questions. wondering if it's time to pack up and go home. dreaming about fulfilling that longheld dream of living in a certain city. pondering if i was "too old" to work abroad. and did i want out of the industry? get back to something i just "get"? try to see if i could make an interest in to a career path? or make a total career switch?
it felt like there were consistently questions floating around my head. with no clear path or "right" answer. so - i talked with friends. put my questions out in to the universe. polished up the resume just in case. and hoped that i'd get a sign or something that would make me feel comfortable about the NEXT step (and knowing me, i'd stress about the step after that but...i digress).
and i thought the sign(s) i would get would point me in a direction. i had semi started investigating that path, being a little more intentional with casual networking, job posting perusing, and the like. and then 2 signs that i wasn't expecting...and if i'm really truly honest, wasn't necessarily hoping for.
but the signs were there, and right now, they're keeping me in my current path and using this as new growth opportunity. people may not put much stock in it, but i've learned to listen and trust these signs (that i think are from a higher place) for myself. i've accepted the sign(s) that i was hoping for...even if those signs were the opposite of what i thought was next. and maybe i needed this guidance even more than i realized.
2 friends - completely unrelated and unprompted - commented this week that i seemed happier than i have in a while and that i had an immediate more "positive aura" about me. hope this is the start of moving past this slump and getting back to being more "me." it's weird seemingly being yourself but also keenly knowing that you're not yourself. fingers crossed.
