wanting to remember moments.

august 27, 2019.  i randomly remembered this lil ol blog the other day, so i thought i might pop back in here to record and capture today's musings and thoughts.

2019 has been a year of growth, learning, and....oddly, complacency.  the beginning of the year was tough: work presented a lot of challenges, hard work, and often times exhausting (mentally and physically) and taxing. while i don't think anything will ever beat my near daily cry sessions back in 2010/2011, this year may have come close.

a lot of hard work and despite my better judgement, the unavoidable connection between one's self and your "work" (title / output / results).  and in the end, we finally made it to launch day and results weren't what everyone wanted.  and the millennial in me, wanted the recognition of "hey, i know you busted your butt. it didn't work out but you did your best and good job for doing all you could."  and instead i got, well, that was a miss....and on to the next one.

after a 2 week vacation, I came back to a new team, new manager, new product.....and a lot of apathy and complacency.  i'm usually a very goal-oriented person and it just felt like i was floating around.  having to break in to established relationships, re-introduce myself to new colleagues, and convince others (or really myself??) that i was a worthy manger that they could rely on.

i wasn't sure what my role was supposed to be.  then a big pulsepoint happens. quick reactions, more tears, and me wondering why i was in this job. in this industry. and really, what was i doing with my life.  was i where i was really supposed to be?  (cause i can assure you i never ever thought i'd be where i currently am.)

to be honest the past 5ish months have had me bandying about a multitude of questions. wondering if it's time to pack up and go home. dreaming about fulfilling that longheld dream of living in a certain city. pondering if i was "too old" to work abroad.  and did i want out of the industry? get back to something i just "get"?  try to see if i could make an interest in to a career path? or make a total career switch?

it felt like there were consistently questions floating around my head. with no clear path or "right" answer.  so - i talked with friends. put my questions out in to the universe.  polished up the resume just in case. and hoped that i'd get a sign or something that would make me feel comfortable about the NEXT step (and knowing me, i'd stress about the step after that but...i digress).

and i thought the sign(s) i would get would point me in a direction.  i had semi started investigating that path, being a little more intentional with casual networking, job posting perusing, and the like.  and then 2 signs that i wasn't expecting...and if i'm really truly honest, wasn't necessarily hoping for.

but the signs were there, and right now, they're keeping me in my current path and using this as new growth opportunity. people may not put much stock in it, but i've learned to listen and trust these signs (that i think are from a higher place) for myself.  i've accepted the sign(s) that i was hoping for...even if those signs were the opposite of what i thought was next.  and maybe i needed this guidance even more than i realized.

2 friends - completely unrelated and unprompted - commented this week that i seemed happier than i have in a while and that i had an immediate more "positive aura" about me.  hope this is the start of moving past this slump and getting back to being more "me."  it's weird seemingly being yourself but also keenly knowing that you're not yourself.  fingers crossed.

music.

I used to think that most of my memories were defined by food... So many memories formed over food and certain food could conjure fond or painful remembrances.  I mean, like every other Asian girl, I do like taking food pictures and cataloging my experiences.

But tonight, as the beginning strains of M83's (excellently haunting) "Midnight City" played over a random video, all of a sudden it was the summer of 2012 and I could instantly feel all the feels of that time. The giddiness of discovering friendship and more. A cool person (the snapback, subtle-swag variety of cool) who loves music eagerly validating that this was a "GREAT song" when I shared it after stumbling upon it. Roadtrips sharing glimpses in to otherwise hidden parts of ourselves. The unknown joyfulness of truly living in the present. And yes, a tinge of sadness given the knowledge of the future.

Even though circumstances are different and the relationship we have is so vastly different from 18 months ago, that song will forever be associated with that one special summer, and the boy who made it so.

guess who's back, back again (not really).

3 years have passed since i last wrote in this lovely blog...and the doom and gloom, rainy, dreariness that was the blog background is a strong/painful/good reminder of the place i was in 3 years ago.  it's funny to see how time passes by so quickly....i remember the angst and agita of prepping for school and ALL of the insecurities and indecisions it caused.

and then i went to school!  and took a while to find my ground but ultimately, found my niche and my way to make an impact and embrace the experience for what it is and was.

and then...i decided to move across the country, the "be brave!" statement....and it turns out that being brave requires you to go back to that state of discomfort and uncertainty again.

i have no clue if i'll regularly blog, or if this will be another stop in my next 3 year journey.  but tonight...i write.

feeling OVERwhelmed.

i do not handle stress well.

flip.flop.

on the good days, i say, a number doesn't define me! on the bad days, i say, how can i possibly stack up against the others. too much stress, worry, and impatience are starting to take their toll. i just need to keep reminding myself that i did the best i could and i put forth the best that i could.

sure, other people score what i got with zero practice. but...i made almost a 300 point increase, which is nutso. especially for someone who hasn't ever worked/studied like that before. i don't really believe it, but if i say it enough, will it sink in? everything happens for a reason. everything works out the way it's supposed to. it's out of my hands now, so there's no point in stressing.

sigh. easier said than done.

awakening that part of my brain

ah...it's one of the main reasons why i'm going on this journey. having been in the "real world" for 4 years now, i definitely miss the analysis and deep discussions in academia. i miss the moments where you're like "wow...i am totally learning something new right now" or when you're surrounded by smart people and you're just eager to keep learning, keep hearing more, and keep talking so that you can maintain that brain activity.

went to another event today that reminded me of why this path is the right one for now. i don't know if everything will end up the way i want it to, but it's good to have reminders every so often (amongst the angst of essaying/testing) of why you're pursuing what you're pursuing.

for myself, as i described it to my mom, i want my brain to feel like it's getting stretched to its capacity. that i'm surrounded by people who leave me in awe, and people who are so smart that i need to push myself to keep up with them. so that, as cheesy as it sounds, i can be the best poca i can be. hope hope hope.

three months in a flash!

wow, didn't realize it had been three months since i'd last written. since my last angsty post, i've taken the dreaded test two times, and resigned myself to the score i received. i would never use the term "hard worker" to describe myself but i honestly worked the hardest in studying for that darn test than i have for anything else.

two down, two...maybe one to go. really hoping real life works out for me, but i'm a sucker for worrying about things i can't control.

meanwhile, i've been distracted by:

1) jangki. playful kiss. mischevious kiss.















jung so min is so spunky and she played a great oh hani! i was pretty ambivalent about khj before but i like his baek seung jo. thought he portrayed bsj's journey from super cool, collected to affected well. and their chemistry is on point! loving the YT special eps as well :)

and 2) my favorite singing rapper bboy.

















keep flying <3. crazy how much change has happened in one year, but excited to see what 2011 brings since he's been hyping us up!

thankful

today is a day i'm grumpy and frustrated with myself. not motivated at all. no focus. no drive to study and to try and improve. i am soo mad at myself and want myself to SNAP out of it but obviously i just don't care enough.

and yet, instead of lecturing me and forcing me to do it, my fam just says, it's okay to have days like that. (even though my entire last week was like that too..). thankful. i'm my own worst critic. and i really don't like that i'm not studying or trying my best. hopefully i snap out of this soon. i have to.

not totally over it

but there used to be times when i was so offended when people called hottests crazy cray. and now, i have removed myself enough to not consider myself one and merely watch from a distance.

saturday night, fun times!

saturday night...beautiful weather...summer feels like it's around the corner...and i'm trying to brush up on algebra, convert words to numbers, and relearn DREADED geometry. haha took a practice test today without ever having even looked at a test before, and got 1% ranking/percentile on the math HAHAHA! i know that i'm capable of more but it's time to get my brain working again. and i was convinced i left geometry behind...gaaah. it's the worst!!

mothers really DO know everything

how the heck did my mom pinpoint exactly why i'm so frustrated about everything? i didn't say anything and neither did anyone else...and yet, the first point blank question was right on the nose.

i am kinda freaked out now o.O

respek.

i will NEVER fangirl a kpop group like PM again but i've been a beast fan from the start and find them very endearing. and though this was not one of my favorite songs on their newest mini, i really, really like the styling, choreo!!, and overall performance. :)

TOO asian

i think i just found the worst non-candid photo ever taken of me! SIGH. wish i could just delete delete delete it, but it's not mine. :( however, if i ever needed convincing that i look hella asian with my new hair....yup. just got it!!

huh.

so while i am trying NOT to be a hater, i still can't shake that last bit that doesn't want jay to be the only one to get the short end of the stick in this whole situation. but slowly trying to move past it.

but wow, just stumbled upon some tweets that seriously just make me shake my head. how he is just an opportunistic guy, who sucks at everything and who is rapping about what he went through cause he's an attention whore. and how the other 6 haven't talked about it at all. and how they're so much better than him cause of it.

um. SERIOUSLY? the dude's not even allowed to sing/rap about what happened to him. in his own life?! he's done nothing but try to convince people to stop hating and this is the stuff that some people are swirling around in their minds. and no one knows what the 6 can or can't do, but their company is certainly milking jay for their own hype and purposes. hello? have you heard the lyrics that they gave 6PM for their new album? "You wanna see me fall right? (Haters!) Like a candle on a windy night, Yeah right. Just watch me do this, aight?" please tell me you can read that and not think it's directed to their former fans/antis. and that nice intro package that includes a group shot with jay in the center followed by the words "unbelievable...betrayal."

i just, honestly, can't believe that there are people that think like that. organisms?! i know i'm a huge fan with the crazy blinders on, but he has done nothing except show love and respect for his fans and his former members. and the same can't be said in the opposite direction. so why don't you just leave him alone and just focus on 6PM. he can do whatever he wants, he has absolutely no obligation to you/other fans who think like you. ugh. HATERS!

just venting

every day that passes just helps me solidify that what i am planning is right for myself. there's no reason that i should get so frustrated by one email, or so annoyed that i am getting an email at 10p at night that i seriously hope no one expects me to answer until monday. just so easily frustrated and at the same time apathetic about it. why the eff does it feel like the end is SO FAR AWAY.

living in the past

despite everything that's happened, i still believe that what they had pre-september was real. and even though i think there's a bigger plan for him and i can't look at the 6 the same, i still miss the 7 of them together. currently listening to this on repeat:

loose lips

hmm. apparently these walls...or err, cubicle dividers, have ears. and mouths.

not sure how to feel...

/cool story bro.

my arms are abnormally long as compared to my height. you know those large shopping bags (eg. crate & barrel size)? when i carry them with my arms straight, the bottom of the bag scrapes against the ground. i wonder what it would be like not to always have to crook my arm a few degrees at an angle.

feel the jayness!

posting this everywhere and anywhere. he is amazing and i love him. =) so talented and humble and just...awesome. love all the imagery but he's like a phoenix! rising from the ashes :) have basically ONLY listened to this song on repeat for the past 24 hours



actual timeline of events:
- see YT still/post on a site
- "wait...that guy looks like jay. no way, it can't be jay"
- "what?? the video is titled 'jay park- nothing on you (cover)'??? who is this??? it can't be him!!!"
- click play
- "OMG OMG OMG OMG IT'S HIM IT'S REALLY HIM OMG WHAT IS THIS WHY IS HE POSTING ON YOUTUBE WHEN DID HE GET THIS YOUTUBE OMG IT'S HIM!!!!!"
- ::shake shake shake::
- spazz to friends
- actually WATCH the video instead of mostly listening and fall in love with his bopping/dancing, smile, and abs (i've missed them!)
- FLAIL some more about how awesome he sounds and how it's been 6 months since we heard his voice
- click *favorite*
- click *subscribe*
- watch views surpass 1 million in 24 hours, see him gain 50K+ subscribers (more than 2PM's YT has in 1 year), and be the #1 viewed & #1 favorited video today on YT.

HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!

coda part 2.

before his termination was official, i said that if it was announced he wasn't coming back, i'd probably walk away. i was about 50% in that though, because i've grown to (of course) love all 7 together and i definitely still followed 1:59 activities, even if the whole time i was trying to find the hints/signs for jay, etc.

now that it's actually here, i'm finding it easier than i thought to try and walk away, or at least, leave behind the crazy fan-girl spazzing. first off, i am "team kHottest." i don't really care if that makes me crazy or blind, but when the group's MOST devoted fans (fanclub staff, sasaengs, fansite admins) all turn away from 6PM, to me, that says a lot. there were so many more anti-boycott fans than pro-boycott fans present at the conference, and yet, all of the korean fanclubs that attended the conference turned away from 6PM afterwards.

many international fans have an incredible sense of superiority, but news flash, we don't know better than korean fans. we're happy when they get #1 on music shows. who makes them ACTUALLY get to #1? korean fans. we oogle all of the gifts idols get on their birthdays. who spends thousands of dollars to provide gifts, food, etc.? korean fans. so stop saying that we are equal to them, because we're not. we account for extremely little and we are an afterthought. jype happens to be a company that cares about international fan response but an international fandom will not sustain a korean group. 6PM needs the korean fan support and right now, they do not have (a lot) of it.

i listened to the conference audio and there was a whole chunk that i didn't understand. but i actually believe that what they were saying was what they were truly feeling-- when junho implores the fans to please listen, when junsu says that they are honestly telling the truth, i believe in their emotions. and i know the company is powerful, and they are rookies who have no voice and no power. but there's a way to say something and then there's a way to SELL it. and even if it was not of their own volition, i cannot look at the 6 of them the same way anymore, after hearing that they all agreed that jay "absolutely" can't come back and implied that he was "dirty."

what drew me (and many other fans) in to 2PM was their brotherhood and friendship. in fact, that's what kept me fighting all along. that ultimately, despite how they may have felt about the boycott, etc. all of them wanted to be reunited and move forward as 7. and the press conference shattered that image. and unfortunately, it can't be repaired. when jay first left, the fandom split into pro-boycott vs. anti-boycott. and now it's jay fans vs. 6/5PM fans. and that will never change.

i'm choosing to believe that their bond as 7, their bond before september 8th, was real and genuine. because otherwise it just hurts too much. i'm trying to just calmly walk away, but it's hard not to want something to happen to 6PM (regarding their popularity), if only for the selfish reason that i don't want only jay to receive the short end of the stick. but i know that's not healthy and it's not productive, and i really don't need the bad karma/juju in my life. so i guess i'll just hope for the best for ALL parties...and that jype finally gets its just desserts.

6PM, i hope you guys are able to win over your company in your end, and that whatever your choices were, were the right ones and the ones that you honestly believe in.

jay, i hope you're happy, with your family, friends, and crew. i know there will be something else out there for you-- too talented to have spent only 1 year in the spotlight, so i'll be waiting for your daebak comeback.

jype, what goes around, comes around. how far are you going to go to destroy one boy's life. it's a sad game. it's time to stop.