wanting to remember moments.

august 27, 2019.  i randomly remembered this lil ol blog the other day, so i thought i might pop back in here to record and capture today's musings and thoughts.

2019 has been a year of growth, learning, and....oddly, complacency.  the beginning of the year was tough: work presented a lot of challenges, hard work, and often times exhausting (mentally and physically) and taxing. while i don't think anything will ever beat my near daily cry sessions back in 2010/2011, this year may have come close.

a lot of hard work and despite my better judgement, the unavoidable connection between one's self and your "work" (title / output / results).  and in the end, we finally made it to launch day and results weren't what everyone wanted.  and the millennial in me, wanted the recognition of "hey, i know you busted your butt. it didn't work out but you did your best and good job for doing all you could."  and instead i got, well, that was a miss....and on to the next one.

after a 2 week vacation, I came back to a new team, new manager, new product.....and a lot of apathy and complacency.  i'm usually a very goal-oriented person and it just felt like i was floating around.  having to break in to established relationships, re-introduce myself to new colleagues, and convince others (or really myself??) that i was a worthy manger that they could rely on.

i wasn't sure what my role was supposed to be.  then a big pulsepoint happens. quick reactions, more tears, and me wondering why i was in this job. in this industry. and really, what was i doing with my life.  was i where i was really supposed to be?  (cause i can assure you i never ever thought i'd be where i currently am.)

to be honest the past 5ish months have had me bandying about a multitude of questions. wondering if it's time to pack up and go home. dreaming about fulfilling that longheld dream of living in a certain city. pondering if i was "too old" to work abroad.  and did i want out of the industry? get back to something i just "get"?  try to see if i could make an interest in to a career path? or make a total career switch?

it felt like there were consistently questions floating around my head. with no clear path or "right" answer.  so - i talked with friends. put my questions out in to the universe.  polished up the resume just in case. and hoped that i'd get a sign or something that would make me feel comfortable about the NEXT step (and knowing me, i'd stress about the step after that but...i digress).

and i thought the sign(s) i would get would point me in a direction.  i had semi started investigating that path, being a little more intentional with casual networking, job posting perusing, and the like.  and then 2 signs that i wasn't expecting...and if i'm really truly honest, wasn't necessarily hoping for.

but the signs were there, and right now, they're keeping me in my current path and using this as new growth opportunity. people may not put much stock in it, but i've learned to listen and trust these signs (that i think are from a higher place) for myself.  i've accepted the sign(s) that i was hoping for...even if those signs were the opposite of what i thought was next.  and maybe i needed this guidance even more than i realized.

2 friends - completely unrelated and unprompted - commented this week that i seemed happier than i have in a while and that i had an immediate more "positive aura" about me.  hope this is the start of moving past this slump and getting back to being more "me."  it's weird seemingly being yourself but also keenly knowing that you're not yourself.  fingers crossed.

music.

I used to think that most of my memories were defined by food... So many memories formed over food and certain food could conjure fond or painful remembrances.  I mean, like every other Asian girl, I do like taking food pictures and cataloging my experiences.

But tonight, as the beginning strains of M83's (excellently haunting) "Midnight City" played over a random video, all of a sudden it was the summer of 2012 and I could instantly feel all the feels of that time. The giddiness of discovering friendship and more. A cool person (the snapback, subtle-swag variety of cool) who loves music eagerly validating that this was a "GREAT song" when I shared it after stumbling upon it. Roadtrips sharing glimpses in to otherwise hidden parts of ourselves. The unknown joyfulness of truly living in the present. And yes, a tinge of sadness given the knowledge of the future.

Even though circumstances are different and the relationship we have is so vastly different from 18 months ago, that song will forever be associated with that one special summer, and the boy who made it so.

guess who's back, back again (not really).

3 years have passed since i last wrote in this lovely blog...and the doom and gloom, rainy, dreariness that was the blog background is a strong/painful/good reminder of the place i was in 3 years ago.  it's funny to see how time passes by so quickly....i remember the angst and agita of prepping for school and ALL of the insecurities and indecisions it caused.

and then i went to school!  and took a while to find my ground but ultimately, found my niche and my way to make an impact and embrace the experience for what it is and was.

and then...i decided to move across the country, the "be brave!" statement....and it turns out that being brave requires you to go back to that state of discomfort and uncertainty again.

i have no clue if i'll regularly blog, or if this will be another stop in my next 3 year journey.  but tonight...i write.

feeling OVERwhelmed.

i do not handle stress well.

flip.flop.

on the good days, i say, a number doesn't define me! on the bad days, i say, how can i possibly stack up against the others. too much stress, worry, and impatience are starting to take their toll. i just need to keep reminding myself that i did the best i could and i put forth the best that i could.

sure, other people score what i got with zero practice. but...i made almost a 300 point increase, which is nutso. especially for someone who hasn't ever worked/studied like that before. i don't really believe it, but if i say it enough, will it sink in? everything happens for a reason. everything works out the way it's supposed to. it's out of my hands now, so there's no point in stressing.

sigh. easier said than done.

awakening that part of my brain

ah...it's one of the main reasons why i'm going on this journey. having been in the "real world" for 4 years now, i definitely miss the analysis and deep discussions in academia. i miss the moments where you're like "wow...i am totally learning something new right now" or when you're surrounded by smart people and you're just eager to keep learning, keep hearing more, and keep talking so that you can maintain that brain activity.

went to another event today that reminded me of why this path is the right one for now. i don't know if everything will end up the way i want it to, but it's good to have reminders every so often (amongst the angst of essaying/testing) of why you're pursuing what you're pursuing.

for myself, as i described it to my mom, i want my brain to feel like it's getting stretched to its capacity. that i'm surrounded by people who leave me in awe, and people who are so smart that i need to push myself to keep up with them. so that, as cheesy as it sounds, i can be the best poca i can be. hope hope hope.

three months in a flash!

wow, didn't realize it had been three months since i'd last written. since my last angsty post, i've taken the dreaded test two times, and resigned myself to the score i received. i would never use the term "hard worker" to describe myself but i honestly worked the hardest in studying for that darn test than i have for anything else.

two down, two...maybe one to go. really hoping real life works out for me, but i'm a sucker for worrying about things i can't control.

meanwhile, i've been distracted by:

1) jangki. playful kiss. mischevious kiss.















jung so min is so spunky and she played a great oh hani! i was pretty ambivalent about khj before but i like his baek seung jo. thought he portrayed bsj's journey from super cool, collected to affected well. and their chemistry is on point! loving the YT special eps as well :)

and 2) my favorite singing rapper bboy.

















keep flying <3. crazy how much change has happened in one year, but excited to see what 2011 brings since he's been hyping us up!